DALLAS VALO

“Take a deep breath” they said. For once in my life, I wish I would listen. “It will all get better, I promise.” An automated statement that everyone in this toxic waste of an Earth has said to someone at one point in their life. But it won’t. I mean how can someone ‘promise’ that things will change, that things will ‘get better’ in my life? In MY life? They can’t. Nowhere in the amount of time I’ve been alive has someone had that much power over me that they can control the outcome of future events. Lies, their all lies.

Truth: That which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.

So for things to ‘get better’ one has to argue to a point based on facts and reality based on a series of events corresponding with the argument. And if were basing future events on events in the past you have just contradicted yourself my friend. But hey, thanks for trying. Hats off to you.

Isolation: The process or fact of being isolating or being isolated.

And so here we are. Somewhere in the midst of chaos I have isolated myself into a cocoon bound together by chains tearing into my flesh as I try to break out. Metaphorically speaking, I have trapped myself into my own form of a Maximum Security prison. Away from everyone. Alone. But am I truly alone? Physically yes, but spiritually, no. I brought my demons here with me. They’ve stayed by my side down this long journey some would call life. Ripping at me, and tearing me down to the point that my soul is screaming out from within. But you can’t hear it. Hell, you can’t see it either. If only you knew.

Now back to the prophetic calling you have tried to speak into existence into my future. The prophecy of somehow healing things to the point that everything will be ‘OK’. I call it a lie because you don’t see what I see. I know where this road is going to take me, and if only you knew, maybe, just maybe, you could save me…..

Waking up to the steel barrel of a Ruger 357 staring deep down into my soul isn’t exactly a normal way to start the day. But I didn’t mind. Hell, it’s been a while since I’ve seen what the inside of a barrel looked like. Guns have never scared me.

“Well, good morning to you too”, I said as I reached over for my pack of Camel Menthols sitting on the coffee table next to the worn out sofa I was laying on. If today was going to be the day, I was determined to put action to the phrase ‘smoke-em if you got- em’ and enjoy one last cigarette before I spent eternity without one.

Most people would normally freak out in this type of situation. Begging for their life in an effort to prevent their soon to be killer to re consider his thoughts. Not me. Those thoughts never crossed my mind. With the type of life I’ve lived, I’ve long been awaiting this type of moment to arrive for quite some time.

As I chipped away at that cigarette, I took one last drag and blew a cloud of smoke onto his age eroded face. Full of years of lack of personal hygiene, his face really showed it. Pulling back on the lever, I could hear the 6 shot chamber rotating counter clockwise as it got into position.

“Any last words?” Of course he had to pick the most common phrase used in movies and books as his final statement before taking this waste of a life away from me. Closing my eyes awaiting the light that would soon come, my cockiness took over, as it normally did in situations like this. “Yeah,” I said as I began to get comfortable waiting on the grim reaper to grab ahold of me. “Get fucked.”

The shot rang out. Echoing off of the empty walls scattered throughout this piece of shit studio apartment I had been renting for the past few years. But the light never came. The firm grip of deaths angel never snatched me up. Opening my eyes to figure out what the fuck went wrong, I then realized I was the one holding the seventeen ounce Ruger firmly grasped between my fingers, and I had just awoken from a disappointing dream.

The night before the wedding, David isolated himself in front of the neon Budweiser light at the end of the bar. He couldn’t believe it was finally happening. Finally, the one he could spend the rest of his life with. The one who understood him. The one who always found a way during her busy schedule to make time for him. Whether it is 5 minutes or 5 hours, she ALWAYS made time. Because as proven before, people make time for who matters the most to them. That meant more to David than anything else because he finally found the one that wanted him. Nothing else mattered. He swung back that last shot of Crown Royal and made sure to tip the bartender a couple bucks before he headed back to his hotel to get some rest before the big day.

He had only isolated himself at the bar because it gave him time to think and reflect on the situation at hand, something he couldn’t do with other people around. The alcohol definitely helped his mind open up a little more and proved more thoughts, both good and bad. But it also made him anxious and worrisome because everyone else in his life that was this close to him walked out of his life at a time whenever everything was perfect and he wasn’t going to watch it happen again because it would destroy him. But Jennifer was different. She cared. She loved him (at least that’s what he thought) and proved it over and over because actions speak louder than words…

Finally the big day. The moment of truth. The joining of two to become one. David appeared quite the dapper Dan in his luxurious Louis Vuitton charcoal colored suit with a maroon vest quietly tucked behind and a matching tie gently flowing down the front button line. He was ready. More than he had ever been in his entire life. Ready to finally settle down. His eyes lit up and his heart jumped out of his chest as he heard the music playing and watched his soon to be father in law walking her down the aisle. The closer she got, the bigger the smile on his face. Until she finally stood next to him underneath the rose covered arch that branched above them. They both stared at each other with a look in their eyes that they were truly and madly…in love.

As the preacher began speaking and after all the vows were read, then began with the typical scripted words…” Do you David take Jennifer…”…blah blah blah. His ears didn’t hear the rest until he heard the silence and almost like a well-practiced script he knew when to say “I do”. On to the next one: “Do you Jennifer take…” “Wait!” Jennifer interrupted. “I’m so sorry I can’t do this I have to go” and before David could comprehend what exactly happened…she was completely out of sight. Gone. Vanished. Everyone was in complete shock and before they could make their way to David, he disappeared too. Trying to chase her and bring her back because he loved her no matter what and would forget this ever happened, but she was gone. He looked in every direction and it was like she vanished in complete air.

Later that evening, the bartender at the hotel, after hearing the story from his other coworkers who were supplying the alcohol at the wedding, spoke words David didn’t want to hear. Not at that moment. “Hey bud, I’ve already let you drink more than I would ever let anyone, hell you about killed the whole bottle of Crown already, I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut you off”. “Go back to your room and get some rest bud, you’re going to need it and here take some of this aspirin with you because after drinking that much you’re going to have a killer hangover tomorrow morning”. “Thanks”. David replied as he got up to head back to his room, but after walking out of the bar area he had other plans.

Making his way down the hallway and out into the nighttime breeze, he eventually found his way to the car. As he sat down behind the steering wheel he then started talking out loud like someone was there, but no one was, he was all alone. Something he never thought would happen again. “If everyone else is going to leave me, then why don’t I just do them all a favor and leave them before they have the chance to leave again?” At that exact moment he reached into his glove box and pulled out his grandfather’s Smith and Wesson that was given to him as a gift for the wedding. As he double checked the magazine he emptied all of the ammunition, all except one. Taking a deep breath as a sign of relief he cocked it, put it to his temple, and finally ran away from everyone else in his life….

Staring at the florescent glow of the red light masked behind the fog left over from the thunderstorm that happened that evening, Katherine began to recall those disturbing images playing over in her head like some dark and twisted fantasy world while her fingers tapped away on the steering wheel as she impatiently waited for the light to turn green. She knew she had to get away, and fast, but why? Despite those possible illusions or maybe even figments of her imagination she clearly remembered the images but couldn’t remember how it all happened.

What she could recall about the events that took place just didn’t make sense to her. They appeared in her mind in different segments and none of it seemed to blend together. Struggling to recall even the slightest memory of that crazy evening, one thing was clear. She had walked in on her boyfriend in bed with another woman. ‘That fucking bitch! Ahhhh!’ She screamed as she beat her fist against the dirt covered dash as the light in front of her finally changed.

Hatred. Anger. Heart broken. Pissed off. All the negative emotions wrapped up in an all in one package that encompassed her train of thought. As the tears rolled down her beautiful but emotionally damaged face, she began wiping the tears away but couldn’t move as fast as they were flowing. After gliding her hand away, the light of a street lamp lit up her hand as she caught a glimpse out of her side view and looked down to see what it was. She couldn’t tell what it was until she looked down only to find the one thing she definitely did not want to see.

Blood. So. Much. Blood. It covered both her hands, and various patches and streaks were spread out all over her khaki dress pants and beautiful pink button down dress shirt. And her arms, oh man, were her arms covered. She tried wiping her hands off onto her pants, because as she figured they were already covered anyway, and it would make her feel less guilty if it wasn’t all over her hands and arms. ‘What the fuck!’ she screamed as she couldn’t yet recall anything about what happened less than an hour ago. The only thing going for her was that it was 2 AM and no one..I mean no one.. was on the road.

She felt the car sliding around all over the road and the water laying around everywhere in sight would probably end up causing her to hydroplane if she couldn’t keep focused on the road and not on what could have possibly gotten blood everywhere. But how could she focus? Something happened. Something she couldn’t remember if her life depended on. As she tried focusing on the road in front of her, she saw lights flickering in her rear view and glanced up to see what it was. Red lights. Blue lights. “Fuck! What do I do now?” She thought concerned that the officer would notice all the blood. “I’ll just have to come up with some bullshit yet believable story because if I don’t pull over it’s just going to be worse”.

As she flicked on her blinker to signal she was pulling over and slowly applied the brakes to her 10 year old Nissan she came to a complete stop. And began searching for the typical items the police would ask for. License, registration and proof of insurance. Her license was sitting in her visor a place she normally kept it in case of anything like this happening because she had a lead foot and knew she would get stopped sometime for it. As she turned on the overhead light and reached for the glove box she caught a glimpse of something on the passenger seat and looked over to see what it was.

There sat a 10 inch butcher knife, one that she normally kept in her kitchen with all the other knives she had collected over the years and upon further examination she could see the blood all over it, still as wet as the blood that was all over her hands before she wiped them as clean as she could. “I don’t know how I’m going to explain this….” It was at that moment everything played back from start to finish. The horrifying events that happened. She froze as she could see the officer approaching her vehicle in her side mirror as time stopped and everything seemed to be happening at a much slower pace. She tilted her head back against the head rest and at the moment she blacked out…..

Watching the sun slowly creep down behind the treacherous terrain of the Appalachian Mountains, Erin’s mind began to ponder. As described by her friends as a ‘thought searcher’, most of her days were spend lost in thought on the vast array of what lies beyond this Earth. So deep inside of her own mind she would tune out the conversations going on around her and sometimes would never hear if someone was directly talking to her. With her brother Daniel battling cancer for the past few years and now within months, even days of dying she could only think of what would happen to him once he passed. Is there heaven? Is there hell?

Her mind always wondered the same thing many of us have thought about from time to time, because after the visual evidence, there’s got to be something more than this. Something beyond, something more powerful than the ridiculous illusion that we somehow evolved from apes. But what? What could have created the mountains, the beautiful sunrises and sunsets, the miles and miles of deep ocean water with little ‘islands of land’ that somehow stay afloat and never sink deep into the darkness below the surface?

Of the many things that have crossed Erin’s disorganized thinking pattern, that’s the only thing she wanted…no, demanded an answer to. Oh but it’s so much more than just a simple question. DNA, the human brain, that controls everything down to the very blood circulating throughout the body keeping everyone alive and moving, there’s got to be something out there. Rocks? There’s no way in hell a human created those things. And it’s not only that, everything from rocks, to space, to bugs, and animals. Life is so complex. These many things crossed her mind as she stared so intently at that giant ball of fire finally completing its final act of disappearing behind the blackened silhouette of the mountains.

Having never said a prayer in her life, the many thoughts that crossed her mind made her curious to give it a shot just to see what would happen, after all what’s the worst that can happen? ‘I don’t really know what to say or who I’m praying to, but if you’re out there, whoever you are, please be with my brother. I don’t know what’s going to happen to him once this cancer takes over but show me something, anything, to give me some sort of hope. Thanks’

Expecting something to happen right away, or to get a call from anyone in her family, she lost all hope in a ‘Higher Power’ when her phone never rang. “Oh well” she thought as she climbed off that tailgate of her Toyota Tacoma she was sitting on enjoying the view. She began to head home since it was finally dark outside and she had to be up early for another day of work tomorrow. Pulling in to the driveway she could see the lights on inside, meaning her mother was still awake. Her mother was always in bed by about 7 pm most nights so Erin figured something must be wrong if she was still up this late at night.

Rushing inside to check on her mom, she found her sitting at the kitchen table, tears rolling down her face, so she began to assume the worst. Her brother must have passed while she was being selfish going up to the mountains to get away from all the chaos and sadness for a little while. “No!!!” Erin screamed as tears began rolling down her face dragging her many shades of make up in streams flowing down her cheeks.

“Erin why are you crying? It’s not what you think!” “Not what I think? What else could it be?” Her mind now began to ponder any and every possibility on why her mother would be up this late crying at the kitchen counter with a cup of hot charcoal black coffee and her King James Bible in front of her. “I got a call from the doctor today, by some miracle, Daniel’s cancer just up and disappeared and the doctors have no idea how it was even possible, so they double and triple checked and it is completely gone! They just called an hour ago” As her mind began to race, Erin thought back to when she was sitting on the back of her truck…and remembered it was about an hour ago that she prayed that simple prayer. “You are real…” she muttered under her breath, finally coming to realize there is something greater than the “Beyond”.

Silence. The most deafening sound lit up his eardrums like the 4th of July as he watched the door slam shut while a huge gust of wind slapped him in the face. The fighting was over. The screaming and yelling and the sound of broke dishes flying all over the apartment. It was all over. She was gone. Complete…silence.

She had threatened to leave many times before, but this time he knew without a reasonable doubt she wasn’t coming back. But he deserved it. Oh man did he deserve it. Through the silence he could hear everything. As every argument played over and over in his head like an old school Walkman stuck on repeat. And it wasn’t just every argument with HER.. no. He played every one over and over. Every single relationship. Every fight. Every argument. Every single time THEY left.

Being such a self centered cocky asshole as some would call it.. he finally realized why this one hurt the most. Why this one penetrated so deep into his heart that he didn’t even know was leftover. It was karma. That ugly 5 letter word explained it all. For all the times he treated his previous flings like absolute dirt, it finally came back to him. And boy did it hurt. And nothing hurt worse than that boomerang coming back ten times worse than before. But he deserved it, and he knows it. For he was the one who threw that…boomerang.